Bored enough for more? (You need help) In the "standing close to her you can hear the ocean" section, Wide eyed Jennifer Wilbanks was about to marry a hayseed and settle in for a life in Deluth Geogia; panicked and ran ... then turned herself in .. go figure ... "Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable." ~Cher ... Q.) Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A.) A different bar ... Indiana's governor signed a law last Friday that will make the entire state recognize Daylight Savings Time next year ... so I'd like to take this opportunity and say on behalf of the rest of the country, Welcome! To all of our Hoosier state buddies! (the wheels are turning here, but the hampster's dead) ... A study in 2001 suggested the stress of repeated asteroid or comet impacts may have fueled the world's first lust, albeit microbial, elevating sex to the level of cosmic mystery, where it's suspected many intelligent beings had placed it all along ... Your thumb is the same length of your nose ... "I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me" ~Dick Martin ... Q.) Why is there no Disneyland in China? A.) No one's tall enough to go on the good rides ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together" ... Is it me, or is the NBA and it's officiating starting to resemble professional wrestling? ... The longest recorded bout of hiccups lasted for 65 years ... "She was so fat that when I hit her with my car, she asked why I didn't go around her? I said that I didn't think I had enough gas." ~Rodney Dangerfield ... Over 50 perk: Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either ... "I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I also keep handy." ~W.C. Fields
How to tell where the driver is from...
One hand on wheel,
one hand on horn:
One hand on wheel, middle
finger out window:
One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic:
One hand on wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator:
One hand on wheel,
one hand on nonfat
double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,
brick on accelerator, gun in lap:
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut,
both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
but driving in
Both hands in air gesturing,
both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to
someone in back seat:
One hand on 12oz. double shot latte,
one knee on wheel,
cradling cell phone,
foot on brake,
mind on radio game,
banging head on steering wheel
while stuck in traffic:
One hand on wheel,
one hand holding beer,
one boot on the accelerator
one boot on the dash,
napping under cowboy hat
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck,
shotgun mounted in rear window,
peanut shells & empty cans on floor,
squirrel tails attached to antenna:
Two hands gripping wheel,
with top of blue hair head barely visible,
driving 35 in the Interstate left lane
with the left blinker on:
Cousin Bubba Sez: "Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment." ... Berlin: A German man who failed to settle a gambling debt called police after his dentures were seized as collateral ... He said; "Should we try swapping positions tonight?" ... She said; "That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart." ... Groucho Marx: "I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Did Ya Know? An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards ..
CHINESE SICK DAY
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
Imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
The 535 members of the United States Congress.
As North Korea warns the U.N. against sanctions & Little Kim moves to the top of Dubya's hit list, find comfort in some of our greatest philosophers: "Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~Babe Ruth
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~Paul Hornung
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."~H.L. Mencken
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~Dave Barry
"Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c." ~W.C. Fields
"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser." ~ Professor Irwin Corey
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster, and more efficient, machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
YeeHaa! The Guinness World Records 2007 is out! Just when it reached the top of my "Honey Do" list, dedicated and articulate pillars of society from around the globe have chiseled their name in history for fame & fortune ... the 1954 brainchild of the Guinness Brewery rounds up such immortals as the largest breasts in the world to the dog with the longest ears ... A Russian woman with 69 children? ... Longest tongue ... Largest rabbit ... Maybe even the worlds worst job? ... truly the nitwit hall of fames bible, Sa-lute! ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body." ... Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark ... Marriage is the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred ... He said - Two inches more and I would be king ... She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen ... "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."~ Sam Kinison ... A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes ... In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates ... "We had gay robbers last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."~ Robin Williams ... Buckets of Chuckles @ The Humorsource
Yabadabadoo! Another year and we're still here? 1st off, thanks so much to President Taylor & his wife for the $25 million they're sending me. Your check's in the mail seniorita, and let me know when he's out of that Nigerian prison ... okie dokie, so I got that going for me now ... What's with you spamers anyway? You make millions of people miserable for an extra 25 cents a month? Maybe? ... These are the same jack-offs that give you the barage of pop-ups when you enter their sites ... just once ubersleeze ... I'd slap you so hard, your clothes would be outta style ... but on the brighter side, they'll be job huntin' soon ... "Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." ~Steven Wright ... From Because I'm a man: I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going? ... Cousin Bubba sez: "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your Visa." ... that "thud" you'll hear at the end of the big game will be yer old pod-nah, Buckaroo, hittin' the casino floor in Vegas ... Is it me? Or does it seem like the dealer's slower than a geological plate shift when your losing? ... Yepper! Mama said I've earned the right to torture myself thru another Super Bowl Weekend in Lost Wages! ... I can hear those Credit Card limits rumblin' already
From "A Big Steaming Pile Of Me": I was on a show and they go, "Richard, you're a comedian, what's it like flying around with all the extra security?" And I said, "I don't like flying anymore. If there's two things I cannot tolerate it's the disgraceful act of racial profiling... and guys wearing turbans on my flight! Those are the two! Yeah!" And right then is when the Turban-Americans went to the computer and sent me the death threats. Email after email: "Dear little punkfaggot, you'd better sleep with one eye open 'cause you're dead from now on! Just because you wear a turban it doesn't mean that you're a terrorist." I know it doesn't mean you're a terrorist! All I'm saying is can you please not wear it for the three shitty hours we're trapped on an airplane? Are ya keepin' up with the news? You're making everybody nervous! When ya get off the plane, make up for the lack of turban. Go to Bed, Bath & Beyond and just get yourself a turban that is so high in the air that you can't even walk down the street without tickling Allah's nut-sack!
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
Richard Jeni 1962-2007
On a college degree: "Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!"
“I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.'”
"It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!"
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups." ... Marriage is a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part. ... "Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it." ~Sam Levenson ... Over 50 perks: Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either ... You sing along with elevator music ... You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it ... "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early." ~Yogi Berra ... most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale ... "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," He said, stepping out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" She replied: "That I married you for your money," ... "The whole world is about three drinks behind." ~Humphrey Bogart ...
bathroom art, now that's how ya roll dog..
this gets updated whenever.. or maybe never
Boo-Yah! Michael Jackson, in retrospect, says he now wishes he'd never sprung for the earlier child molester payrolls ... duh ... Houston, we have contact... Cousin Bubba Sez MJ may have slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching... More insights to: Why did the chicken cross the road? ... Karl Marx: To seize the means of production and escape the alienation of the proletariat ... Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road ... Ernest Hemingway: To die.. in the rain ... Groucho Marx: Chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt would have divorced him, but she needed the eggs ... "A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live." ~Bob Hope ... The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes." ... T. Bubba Bechtol, City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a live radio talk show what he thought of the torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but thunderous applause from the audience. "If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:
'Red is positive.' 'Black is negative.'"
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program. We'll try and explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It's money the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV Set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Here's some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruits & vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras,
and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, it will go to bank management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Same with stock investment.
Instead, you can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spending it on beer and wine (domestic ONLY), prostitutes or tattoos, since those are the only American businesses still currently operating in the US.
Cousin Bubbas Boredom Killers
*At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair drier at passing vehicles.
*Page yourself on the office phone intercom.
*Someone requests something, ask if they want fries with that.
* Write "For Marijuana" on your check stubs & memos.
*Order "Diet Water" at the cafe.
*Ask twice, so the attendent understands your drive-through order is "To Go".
*Skip down the sidewalk.
*When the cash comes out of the ATM scream; "I won!"
*When leaving the zoo, sprint to your car screaming
"Run! They're loose!"
*Tell your kids at dinner that due to the economy, you'll have to let one of them go.
*Pick up a box of condoms at the drug store and ask for the fitting room.
*Sing Along At The Opera.