*Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens."
*I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
"It gave dirty politics a bad name." - on the Watergate affair.
"I always like to go to Washington DC. It gives me a chance to visit my money." - On touring the US Treasury.
*People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
*If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
"It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing." - On travelling in Concorde.
"Lots of travel, away from home." - Explaining his long and happy marriage.
"I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else." - At the age of 91.
*I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
"If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it."
Denying reports during a Christmas troop show in Saigon that he was worth 500 million dollars.
*Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless. - On hearing about his 1998 knighthood.
*My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.
*Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
*I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe.
*A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
*I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.
*She said she was approaching 40 and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
*If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
*You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
*I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
(About his early boxing days) Some fighters are carried back to their dressing rooms. I'm the only one who had to be carried both ways.
*Bing (Crosby) doesn't pay income tax. He just calls the government and says, 'How much do you boys need?'
(Commenting on why he cut his cruise vacation short) Fish don't applaud.
*I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell. 
*I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
*I left England at the age of four when I found out I couldn't be king. 
*I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
*I returned to Cleveland for a really big homecoming. I remember it well. How they welcomed me...flags waving, bands playing, big parades and everything.
Yes sir! Lucky for me I arrived on Flag Day.
*It was so cold at Thule, that one G.I. fell out of bed and broke his pajamas.
*My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
*My mother thought the doctor had left the stork and taken the baby.
*My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
*Television. That's where movies go when they die.
*The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
*There are 86 golf courses in Palm Springs, and Jerry Ford never knows which one he's going to play until his second shot.
*They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
To President Kennedy when he was being presented with a gold medal for 'services to his country...
"I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
*Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'
*Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.
*Kids are wonderful. I like mine bar-b-qued.
*I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
Buckaroos Funny Pictures
saddle up amigo
Raquel Welch - The Bob Hope Show
Bob Hope