Ace Ventura Quotes
Man: [aggressively] What do you want?
Ace Ventura: HDS, sir, and how are you this afternoon? All righty, then. I have a package for you.
Man: Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura: Most likely, sir. I'll bet it was something nice, though.
***
[Aguado stomps on a cockroach to provoke Ventura]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife.
***
Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.
***
Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.
***
Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head]
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.
***
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air]
Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American.
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace Ventura: No sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland. .
***
Ace Ventura: [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER.
***
Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.
***
[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
***
Ace Ventura: WOW., Ray Finkle's house, I can't wait to meet him
Mr. Finkle: Ray ain't coming home
Ace Ventura: But your wife said you expect him home any minute
Mr. Finkle: She expects him home any minute, see the engine's running but there's nobody behind the wheel. Eight years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa, and they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
***
Melissa: I swear if you do anything to embarass me this evening...
Ace Ventura: What? Like this?
[makes wierd noises,Doorman answers the door]
Ace Ventura: Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!
***
Melissa: Ace, get out of the tank.
Ace Ventura: [talking like Scotty from Star Trek] I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power.
Melissa: I said, get out of the tank now!
Ace Ventura: For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!
***
Ace Ventura: Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom.
[whispering loudly]
Ace Ventura: I think it's the pâté.
Ronald Camp: Sure, right over there.
Ace Ventura: Thanks! Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?
***
Ronald Camp: [Ace emerges soaking wet] I'm so Sorry Mr. Ace, I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
Ace Ventura: Well I hope so, had I been drinking out of the toilet, I might have been killed.
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