New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...
I went to the hardware shop. I said, "This riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "Next time, you get on top."
I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry."
The guy said, "Regular?"
I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."
I went into Gus'es artificial organ and taco stand, said, "Give me a bladder por favor."
The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well, what else would I want it for?"
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
My girl friend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way.
So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
I ran three miles today, finally I said "Here lady, take your purse."
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" They're worried...that I'll reproduce.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---butthere wasn't any gum under any of them.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said,"I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...
They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me you two!"
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars forthe second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about tojump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said,"Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religiousor atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" Hesaid, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant."I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Metoo! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist churchof god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformedbaptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Areyou reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god,reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.