George Burns Quotes
"I can't understand why I flunked American history.
When I was a kid there was so little of it."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family
in another city."
"I am ninety-five. I still chase girls but I can't remember why."
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
"I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."
"I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left."
"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age,
I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
"If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get small laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer."
"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made.
Very few people die past that age."
"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and have the two as close together as possible."
"There is no reason for me to die. I already died in Altoona."
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything.
You only have to remember it."
"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman.. or a bad woman;
it depends on how much happiness you can handle."
"At my age flowers scare me."
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
"Say goodnight Gracie."
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