*Mr. Berge pointed to Wally's belly and said, "No reason for him to worry about business, he looks to be eating regular."
"I am," said Wally, "though for a man with my hemorrhoids, eating regular isn't the fun that it ought to be."
"I know all about that," said Berge. "Had them when I was in the Army. Had a bad habit of reading books in the barracks after lights out. I'd go sit in the can, where the lights are on all night, and I'm on the throne getting engrossed in this book and about six hours later I got hemorrhoids as big as prunes. I could hardly roll out of bed. The docs took one look, said it was the worst case they'd seen, maybe a national record. They took pictures -- somebody told me I'm in all the medical textbooks. Sent me to the hospital to get reamed and this lady runs a metal thing up my tailpipe until it about comes out my left ear and after that I never could sing as well as before.
Used to have a nice tenor voice and sang at weddings. Now ---- nothing."
*Lake Wobegon Summer 1956 by Garrison Keillor
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