Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....
by David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts.
***
Top ten signs you are not the most popular guy at your high school
(Read by Napoleon Dynomite)
10. Your yearbook photo caption reads “unidentified sophomore”
9. Your only friend is the one you built in shop class
8. School song includes phrase about how much you suck
7. Every time you talk to a girl the conversation inevitably drifts to your frecuent nosebleeds
6. The stupid kid who gets his tater tots stolen every day?..He steals your tater tots
5. Everyone’s jealous of your tetherball skills
4. Not only did you take your mom to the prom, you had to pay her $20
3. You can’t dance like this..
2. Lord of the rings figurines – 50 Friends –0
1. How the heck would I know? I’m like the coolest kid in school
***
Top Ten Stupid Questions
10. "What's the number for 911?"
9. "Do you approve of the job Congress is doing?"
8. "Should I have sex with my toaster?"
7. "Do I pay enough attention to Lindsay Lohan?"
6. "Should we leave Tampa and move to Hoboken?"
5. "Want to go see a Giants game?"
4. "Do I have the good rabies?"
3. "Is it Bay-ner or is it Bo-ner?"
2. "Would you like a shirt, Mr. Putin?"
1. "Are you going to finish that, Governor Christie?"
***
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Be Named The World's #1 Intellectual
10. "Words you use more than any other--'Pro' and 'Rasslin'"
9. "Twice last week you went through a carwash without a car"
8. "You once returned a hat because it didn't have instructions"
7. "Fearing Avian Flu, you traded in your Ford Thunderbird"
6. "All your awards are labeled 'Participant'"
5. "When asked the capital of Nebraska, you answer, 'Capital N'"
4. "Working in chemistry lab, you discovered that 'The blue stuff is delicious'"
3. "You've been accused of lying through your tooth"
2. "Just put $50,000 on the Jets"
1. "You started a war in Iraq without an exit strategy"
***
Top Ten Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee
10. Your blood type has been reclassified as "espresso"
9. Every morning you go for a quick 47 mile jog
8. As soon as California legalized gay marriage, you got engaged to Mr. Coffee
7. Your after-shave? Hazelnut non-dairy creamer
6. You're tapping your leg like Larry Craig in a men's room stall
5. A Starbucks just opened in your basement
4. Your last words before bypass surgery: "Tell Juan Valdez I love him"
3. Average 80 blinks per minute
2. You named your kids "Tall," "Grande," and "Venti"
1. Unable to sleep, you actually watch "The Late Show"
***
Top Ten Reasons I Love Being in the United States Army
10. You haven't lived until you've eaten rehydrated beef brisket
9. Get to visit exotic places, like Trenton, New Jersey
8. No can opener? Just run over the can with a tank
7. Sir, you're never unsure how to begin and end a sentence, Sir
6. Cutting-edge technology, like our machine that controls the weather
5. I really, really, really enjoy push-ups
4. In an Apache helicopter, you tend to have the right-of-way
3. Always have an answer when someone says, "You and whose army?"
2. Camouflage brings out my eyes
1. Working among the most talented men and women this country has to offer, and the free haircuts
***
Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Attempting to Live to 150
10. "Do I want to put off my retirement until I'm 138?"
9. "Am I that desperate to see 'Die Hard 30'?"
8. "Is 150 really 'the new 140?'"
7. "Can I keep this a secret from my wife?"
6. "Can I get back the deposit on my own cemetery plot?"
5. "Will I have enough Viagra?"
4. "Do I mind outliving the planet?"
3. "How many colonoscopies is too many colonoscopies?"
2. "Will I end up looking like Larry King?"
1. "An extra half-century of incontinence? What's the catch?"
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